“...In regards to your complaint, Mr. Gebert, that the purchase of two oranges, a Mr. Pibb and a copy of Metropolitan Home should not constitute consent to have your personal customer information, as you put it, ‘auctioned off like the charms of the most brazen strumpet,’ it is the stated policy of [grocery store deleted] to share the names, addresses and purchase infomation of our Fresh Savings cardholders with carefully selected companies whose special offers might be of interest to you.

“While technically the Patriot Act Suspected Terrorist Database does not fit this description, and we regret the inconvenience this apparently caused you and several hundred of our other innocent customers, we think you’ll agree that anything that enables us to make our everyday low prices even lower is a big plus for all of our customers."

“...While we do not agree, Mr. Gebert, with your characterization of [fast food restaurant deleted]’s employees as ‘sullen, uncaring lumps of deep-fried protoplasm,’ we recognize that they do not always live up to the promise in our slogan ‘Just Dang Hap-Hap-Happy To See You.’ And we admire your resourcefulness in finding a way to make them serve you as eagerly and cheerfully as they should.

“However, we’re afraid that distributing flyers with your photo on them identifying yourself as a ‘corporate mystery shopper with pockets full of Ben Franklins to give away’ is disrupting the service experience for our other guests...”

“...We at [monopoly deleted] recognize that we are no longer your only telecommunications choice, and so we have a new commitment to serving you. That’s why, when we called to offer you DSL service, we went along with your demand that we enter the 24-digit vendor code you supplied us each time before you’d talk to us. We put up with the long series of menu options on your answering machine and the fact that they seemed to change, every time we called, as if it wasn’t really a recording but you just making them up. We accepted the fact that you would put us on hold for long periods of time, and that when someone (who sounded just like you, or occasionally like you with a fake Russian accent) came back on the line, ‘he’ seemed to have no idea what we were talking about and we’d have to start over.

“But Mr. Gebert, we’ve now waited at your house all day on three different occasions. Every time our installers start to leave, we get a call from your cell phone saying you’re on your way, but somehow you never get there. Who do you think you are, the phone company?”

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